Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
