why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
