I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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