I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
