when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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