I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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