Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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