Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
