I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
