You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
