Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
