Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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