I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
