Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
