Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
