Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
