Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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