I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
