he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
