Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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