dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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