I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
