He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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