4 words: hood of his car
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
