guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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