I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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