hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
