dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
