what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
