Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
