I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
