the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.