apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need a burrito and a hug.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.