you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?