I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
