i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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