oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
