went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
