i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
