i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
