Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
