i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
