I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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