Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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