I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
