Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident