now i know why i became what i already was.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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