and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
