worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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