Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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