Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
