he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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