So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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