I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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