i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
