Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
