im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
