Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
