Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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